What pain could I have avoided if they had advised me not to spend that money as though there would be more where that came from? I suspect I may have avoided a near nervous breakdown and not come so perilously close to financial ruin and creative burnout.
But no one came forward. Let me back up. Now, I want to acknowledge the inherent privilege that I hold as a white, educated, middle-class American. They are good problems. Lucky, even. I had a leg up, even when it felt like I was in the trenches. Access equals privilege, and I understand that. Revising is my favorite part of the writing process, and clearly a big part of my personal life. In fact I wish I could go back and revise the past six years. Not for this one book deal. Otherwise, I reasoned, they would never have paid me such enormous sums.
These publishers must be investing in me for the long run. I was one of their own. It had happened twice in a row, these six-figures: Surely I had somehow become one of the chosen few. Surely there were writers who had gotten the memo about how advances worked, and the ins and outs of publishing.
What came after was beside the point. Someone has to be on the bestseller list, win the National Book Award, have the big movie deal. Did anyone working with me — agency, publishing team — tell me that a sumptuous advance was not something I should depend on or get used to?
Did anyone in the publishing house take me under their wing and explain to me how the company made decisions about future book deals? Did the publisher tap a more seasoned author on their list to mentor me, as many major corporations encourage within their companies?
Did the MFA in writing program that I was part of, in any way, arm me with the knowledge to protect and advocate for myself in the publishing world? I donated large sums of money to organizations I cared about, and delighted in the feeling that I was making a real difference.
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